My posts since November have been pretty depressing. Losing my dad has been more painful than I ever imagined (and I imagined it being very painful) but I thought maybe it would be fitting to share something that has been very comforting to me.
In order for it to make sense, you have to know that I have two older sisters, Angela and Mary. (Just because I mention them in the story.)
Two weeks after Dad died, I was in the middle of a regular, weird dream that didn’t make any real sense. In the middle of the dream, my dreamself felt my phone vibrating, so I answered it and it was my dad, like his actual voice. All of a sudden I knew he was calling me from heaven and I asked “Dad, where are you?! Are you okay?” and he said he was fine, everything was fine and it was okay. Then it skipped from being on the phone to walking beside him on the beach, the beach was very bright, the sky was almost white. There were no houses or any other people. Dad was wearing jeans and a flannel and was walking a little bit ahead of me to the right. He turned back to me and said, “Come on, walk faster.” and I was like, “Dad, I didn’t know you could walk this fast.” and for the first time I realized, he didn’t have any oxygen on and he could breathe just fine. It was like a sudden realization that he wasn’t sick anymore. And as soon as I realized that, the dream was over. It was such a relief, like a physical relief when I woke up.
A couple weeks after that, I was texting Angela and telling her that I was having a rough time processing everything that had happened because I needed to actually talk to Dad to do that, I was so worried that he was scared when he was dying. In my role as caregiver, I was very protective of him and I just hated that I couldn’t know that he wasn’t scared. I never said that out loud, I only sent it in a text to Angela.
The next morning I spoke with Mary. I hadn’t talked to her in two weeks because her phone wasn’t on. And she told me that a few days before she had a dream about Dad. She said she was having a normal dream and then it changed to where she was sitting in the basement at my house on Bulah, at that table where Dad always sat and Dad was with her. There was like light over them, but dark everywhere else, like a spotlight. She said he had on his glasses and he was reading the paper and smoking a cigarette. They had this conversation:
“Dad, can I ask you something?”
“Were you scared? When you were dying?”
“No. I knew I had to go.”
“Really? You’re okay?”
“I’m fine hun.” (This is important to me because Dad always said that to me when I was being too overly concerned with his health.)
“And you’re smoking a cigarette?”
“Yeah, they don’t hurt me anymore.”
I thought it was so strange that she asked him the very thing I was the most concerned about.
So then two weeks ago, Jay tells me that he had a dream about Dad. He starts telling me that it was just him and Dad and that they were just talking, he said he couldn’t remember exactly what they were saying but that Dad was letting Jay know that he was doing GREAT. Jay said he looked a little younger and healthy. Then he goes, “Yeah and we were on this really bright beach.”
I hadn’t mentioned the beach part of my dream to Jay. I had just told him that Dad and I were walking together. I described the beach in my dream to Jay and he said that it sounded like the exact same place.